The REAL Way to Prep for Breastfeeding..

I saw this and just had to share. I hope you moms out there get a laugh out of this like I did! Just so you know, I loved nursing Norah and am a breastfeeding advocate (whatever that is), this is only meant as a joke :)

The REAL Way to Prep for Breastfeeding..

DAY ONE

Gently rub nipples with sandpaper.

DAY TWO

At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

DAY THREE

Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."

DAY FOUR

Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

DAY FIVE

Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

DAY SIX

Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."

DAY SEVEN

Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

DAY EIGHT

Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

DAY NINE

Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

DAY TEN

Go someplace public - a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building - and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

DAY ELEVEN

Suckle a wolverwine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

-Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia is a two-baby nursing veteran.